This is hard.
This is really hard.

It hurts so much to type this...sorta like its a confirmation.
But I think it'll make me feel better in the end.

And I don't have to worry about sounding like an idiot or a retard or a typical school girl or whatever.

But...the truth is...
I'm only 15, and my heart is officially broken.

I had been expecting this...I knew it would happen soon.
But that day he did it, wasn't the day I was expecting it.

He seemed just so...normal.
And he'd been acting weird for the past month.

He brought me candy in the morning...and when I stayed in my art class to finish a project during what period, he called me, and asked me where I was, and came up to wait with me while I finished..
It seemed fine there...although he looked like he was trying to say something that he didn't really want to say.
I didn't think anything of it.

In science he was so...perfect. and amazing.
He came up behind me like he used to do, rubbed my shoulders, and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my face.
And he kept asking for me to kiss him.
And he kept talking to me.
And he looked so..happy when he was talking to me.

It wasnt until lunch when he said it.
It was so...out of nowhere...and yet, so not.

I wish I hadnt reacted like that.
It caused him so much pain...
To see me crying like that...
That look I had..like I was lost...
And my pitiful and childish pleading...

I offered to change everything about me...I'd do anything for him...

Before he walked away...I got one last kiss.
That kiss rhurt..so much...
Yet it was so wonderful..

I wanted it so last forever...
But it went by so fast....
Much too fast...

He already didnt want to break up with me...
And my reaction just made him hurt more than he already did.

But for the first time in 6 and a half months I was thinking about my own happiness before his own.
And the only thing that would make me happy was him.

And I told him later to not worry about me...and to just...be happy.
Because once I had settled down, I realized how much I had hurt him...
And..I just want him to be happy.

His happiness does matter more to me than my own.

The next day he sat next to me in Japanese class.
Even though I had moved to a different spot. Not far from where we used to sit...
And he came over, and asked if he could sit there.
I didnt look at him, but I nodded.

While he was sitting there, I didnt even look at him.
I didnt want to see his face again...not right now.
Because the thought that I would never kiss that face ever again overwhelmed me...

Everytime he said something to his friends around us, my heart lept.
I love the sound of his voice...

And finally, I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me.
And I forced myself to look back...
I knew I would regret it if I didn't.

And he smiled at me...
That goofy smile he did all the time that always made me laugh so hard...

And I tryed to smile back...
I wanted with all my heart to just..smile back...

I'm not sure if I managed it...but I think he saw that I was trying.
And when I turned away my eyes filled with tears.

But I held them back.
I dont want him to see me crying again.

He left about halfway through the period.
He hadnt gotten any sleep either.
And before he left, he put his hand on my back, and told me that when school got out we would talk.

I'm waiting for him to come over now...
Everytime I hear a car door slam I rush over to my window to see if its him..

I don't know what he wants to talk about.
I don't know what to say.

He's helpped me so much.
He re-introduced me to God.
And he's helped me kick my addiction.
And he's made me such a happier person.

And theres these little reminders all over my house...

The hand soap he got me...
The giant balloon he got me on my birthday...
The pomegrante body wash I got...because thats his favorite fruit.
The giant stuffed teddy bear he gave me...
The back seat of my car...was the first time I touched him.
My bed...that was the first time he touched me.
The pillows on the other side of my bed...that he used to use when we'd take naps together.
The black leather recliner we always sat in together to watch TV.
The bubble gum he brought over the day we got drunk together.

And we used to play pretend when we got  bored...

And all these little things that seemed so normal only a few days ago.
And all I can do is cry.

It hurts so much...when I realize that I'm never going to kiss him again...
And if we hug, it wont be the same.
I wont ever rub his back like I used to again.
I wont ever get to take a nap with him again.
Lay my head on his chest again.
Feel his heart beat...

It hurts so much...
This hurts way to much.

I'm never going to forget this boy.
My first kiss...my last kiss...for a long, long time.

The first day back at school sucked.
I tryed to make my japense class the first period...

But the counselour ate me.
And said no.
So I'm stuck with art.

Until I can get it changed.

However later on I learned that Kevin had switched into my art and japanese class...
So I managed to convince Adam to switch in to my japanese class, instead of me switching to his.

But, for whatever reason he cant switch to my class, I'm going to switch to his..lol.
Because I want a class with him badly.


Other than that...the whole rest of the day was pretty good.
I have a new Health class.
That pretty much everyone except Izaak is in lol.
And the teacher is pretty cool.


So..yep.
On the whole, a pretty good day.

Btw...

ITS CHUNK O'CLOCK!

Alright.
Here it is.

The first post of 2008!

Yatta!


So, on New Years Eve, I went to go pick up Adam from the Airport.
He wasnt expecting it at all.

I had told him to call when he landed, so, he did.
As he was walking toward the baggage claim.
And he saw my parents first.

Made a face sorta like O.o
Turned around,
Saw me,
And I attacked him like a second later.

As I had promised him.

It was amazingly epic.

After him and his family had gotten all of their baggage and such, we stole Adam and took him to Kevs.
He wasnt able to stay the night...because his mom had planned stuff the next day...
But thats ok.
He stayed until 1:15 ish.
Fun.
We got there in time to watch the ball drop...
Of course we all counted along with it..

Me and Adam kissed when the ball dropped fro 2008..duh.

And then we went outside to make explosions and play with fire.
Because thats what we do.
:3

The Next day, I went to Anchorage with Adam, and my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and grandma, and my dads friend Bill.
We went to go see Charlie Wilsons War...or something like that.

It was prime epic fail.
Me and Adam didnt understand like anything that was going on...
So me and him left the theater, and walked around the faggy arcade thing.
That was pretty cool. =D
Then we went to go eat dinner, a Japanese food place.
Of course, with our luck, our waitress was Korean, so when me and Adam tried talking to her in Japanese she had nooo idea what we were talking about. ^-^;;

Lol.  So the NEXT day, was mine Adams Anniversery type thing.
Lol. 4 months.
Yatta.
We didnt do much, but thats ok.
He came to my house, and we watched Harry Potter.
CORRUPTION.
Hehe. ^-^

The next day,
Adam came over again.
We went sledding...
Which was FAIL.
Completely AIDs infested.
Every 2 feet I'd either fall off the sled, or the sled would turn around and start going down the mountain backwords. O.O
Sorefailsauce.

So when we were done there, we went back to my house to watch Mulan.
And me and Adam had an energy drink drinking competition.
Lol.
Then, we ended up falling asleep.
Like always.
><

Lol.
The next day I didnt do like anything...

The day after that I had youth court.
That sucked.
Lol.
After the class, I went to go pick up Adam.
And we went back to my house.
Where we played Puzzle fighter, and..slept.
For like 2 hours lmao.

Failcakes.

Later on Christa came over.
And we watched Mulan again.

We took Adam home at around 11:30.
And Christa spent the night.

Which brings us to today.
Christa and my mom went with the Snavleys, and christa Kev Tristan and Calsita went sledding.
And No I'm staying home.
I should be cleaning my room but I'm not yet.
=D
And I have to write an essay for tomorrow.

Because I go back to School tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll be able to talk to Adam later on lol.

I cant wait to go back to school and see everyone again.
I  could go without the classes though. Hehe.

I'm going to try to get to school early tomorrow to switch around my classes.
I'm not doing art again.

So...
Basically.
I never used my old Live Journal...
And so I started a new one for the new year.

My New Years resolution?
Write in this at least...
Hmm..

4 times a week at minimum?

I'd say thats good. ^-^



Theres 4 days left of 2007.
Weee.
And 4 more days until Adam gets back.

He currently vacationing in Washington.
It's rather demonic.
Hes been gone for 2 weeks now.
=[

I'm going to go pick him up at the airport.
He doesn't know this yet though.
And hopefully he wont read this and find out.
=D
I cant wait to see him
It'll be grand.


I got my hair done today.
I has bangs again!
Yatta!
They keep getting in my way though. >(
Hopefully I'll get used to them soon.

So..chaa.
I cant wait for New Years.
It's going to be Fuunnn.
=3